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Chapter Two: Don't Take It Personally
or
Chapter Two: How "Awesome" It Feels To Be Told How To Feel

"Don't take it so personally!"
If you are like me then you have heard that phrase so many times in your life that you often feel that you will punch the next person who says it to you in their face.  But you don't.  Because you don't want to take it personally.
So this week I'm going to talk about some ideas I've been having lately about that phrase.  I'm making it less of the usual recrimination/"advice-for-your-own-good-from-a-person-who-clearly-thinks-you're-an-idiot-and-need-to-be-instructed-on-how-to-interpret-their-obviously-insensitive-and-hurtful-remarks" and more of the perfect starting place for the sort of lovingkindness we all deserve.

"To take something personal" to me implies that you take something on.  That you make it an undeniable truth about yourself when in fact it may just be "some thing that happened".  Traffic for example.  (I know, I know, - super obvious and overused  - but somehow I'm still getting upset about it.)  Now, I may feel that there has indeed been a major conspiracy that every Aerostar in the greater San Fernando Valley area would drive 10 miles below the speed limit, shoulder to shoulder, down the very roads that I, Heather Burress, need to drive down to get to work.  In reality, it may just be that I should calm the hell down and listen to some nice NPR.  It's not to say I shouldn't feel frustrated about it.  No one is encouraging heartless, robot-like control over your emotions.  But it's not happening "to" me.  Get it?
Good.  Because most of the time I don't either.  But I'm getting there.

Things happen.  Minor things - like traffic - and also Major Things.  People lose jobs, get sick, pass away.  Lots of horrible and sad things happen.  I seriously am not intending to be glib here.  But how do you perceive them?  Does it feel deeply personal and isolating?  'Cause it does to me.  Here's a thought: next time I'm sitting in that traffic, what if I were to just sit back and actually feel what it felt like - uniquely in the moment - instead of comparing it to every other sad and terrible thing that has ever happened to me and then using this comparison to inform my reaction to future horrible things.
That would be amazing.  And incredibly constructive.
I could stop making sitting in traffic a hugely offensive insult to my personality that surely means I am a horrible person who deserves no happiness or good fortune (yeah, folks, it gets like that sometimes, doesn't it?) and instead understand that this inconvenient, annoying thing that is happening right now will eventually stop.  And I'll leave it behind.

To some of you this will seem obvious.  You are wizards.

To the the rest of us pleebs it becomes a daily challenge to let our experiences be events - not personality shapers.  To not take every traffic jam, office drama, family squabble or even - and especially - legitimately heart-wrenching tragedy into our very DNA.  Because in addition to holding us back it can make us very sick.  I myself have experienced this.  Stress, depression and anxiety that manifested as eczema, insomnia and wrinkles - let's call them "2013's Greatest Hits".  For some unlucky souls even some of the biggies - addiction, high blood pressure and heart disease - can become the tangible results of internalizing every harsh word or awkward encounter.
Massage can actually help this, you know.  Releasing muscles and tension also releases energy.  And pain.  And heavy memories that our bodies are tired of carrying.  Yes, exercise helps too.  Sweating out the toxins that clog up our pores AND our souls.  But, really - getting a deep, therapeutic session of informed and professional bodywork is an investment that is so much more valuable than this week's happy hour with the girls or another over-priced meal at that place you guys always love for date night.
I'm just sayin'.

Try this today.  After you book your next massage appointment, find something in your heart that happened to you that changed you.  Find an event or interaction that you can go back to and really see.  Something sad or hurtful or hard that keeps coming back up every time a similar event occurs.  Or even better, when a completely unsimilar event occurs.  Then, try looking at the original event as an observer.  Try seeing the things that were said or done not as intentionally hurtful or harmful but just as words or actions that were said and done by another person with another story that they feel equally as passionate and certain about.  See what this feels like.  It will probably be unpleasant.  You may think I am stupid for suggesting it and tell me so the next time you see me.  That's cool.  I'll hug you anyway.  And maybe rub your shoulders a bit.  But eventually - hopefully - you can start to see it as a thing that just happened.  An event that had pain and sadness or frustration and anger around it for sure - but one that can't continue to force you into responses and reactions in your current present.  A present that deserves a much more immediate and loving person in it.

Recently, I had a very deep and interesting and entirely impromptu conversation about this very thing to a man I know.  He teaches meditation at UCLA and elsewhere around the country.  He is also a very handsome man so my memory of some of it might be a little foggy.  Got a little distracted in the middle there.  He told a very clever story about two young goldfish swimming in a pond.  A wise, old carp slowly swam by them and said, "Hey boys.  Water's great, huh?"  Then, he swam on.  The one young goldfish looked at the other and said, "What the hell is 'water'?"

Let's all take a minute to check what we're swimming in.  See how it feels.

I'll bet you five bucks you feel better.


Next week:  What Does Five Bucks Really Buy You In An Economy As Shitty As This One