Episode Three: Why I'm Finally Kicking My Regret Habit and Shedding Those Last Five Pounds Of "Fear Weight"
or
Episode Three: Letting Go
First of all, I'm almost positive "fear weight" is a thing. And even if it isn't, it should be. It's mostly in the belly, but sometimes resides in the heart. Or the face. It isn't always measured on a scale or in the snugness of one's denim. It presents in its victims as an overall feeling of heaviness and/or dread. My research shows that it is highly contagious and very serious. I'll look into getting this into the PDR and I'll get back to you.
One of the initial causes seems to be regret.
I have a lot of things I regret in my life. (And I regret that too. See how coo-coo this gets?) The beautiful, life-affirming way to see it is that I've always been a risk-taker. That I pushed forward in my life and wasn't afraid of failing. That I had hope and passion and enthusiasm out the wazoo. But to be very honest, I mostly just did things without thinking of the consequences at all. And I mean that.
At.
All.
I think there are a fair number of us who don't consider consequences. I think when it comes to health especially we are a people who do love our vices. We won't even admit that some of them ARE vices. Instead, we call them "relaxing", "unwinding", "decompressing" or my personal favorite "me time". That's just stupid.
A lot of it has to do with escaping. And that's not really such a good thing.
So, for a second, let's turn and face what the real problem is.
Escaping.
Regret.
Shame.
Suddenly, I don't like this idea. This is very uncomfortable and very tight. I think I just gained another 7 pounds. And so what do I do? Anything. Everything. Except sit down and be still. Be quiet. Listen to the smallest, scariest part of my heart that hasn't been heard from since I got my first Walkman. We drown out a lot of our worry and fear and regret with so much background noise and insist that it doesn't exist. But it's still there. Lurking. And late at night when your defenses are down and your mind isn't distracted by the myriad of devices and remotes you love to lose yourself in, a fist will squeeze your heart. A shiver wracks your body. Your face contracts in a grimace. And it hits you.
I'm so terrified.
There are plenty of things to be afraid of these days. Even right in our own bathrooms. (I'm sorry, but whatever that thing is that keeps building its nest behind my toilet has got to GO.) But I don't want this to become a list of all those things. I don't want to sit here and feed, inform or create one single moment of that. (Except for that thing behind the toilet. Seriously, what is it?) I wanted to get it out there that I'm working on a way of actually seeing the fears for what they are. Being honest about it. Hopefully it makes room for some of that old hope and passion. My wazoo got emptied out a long time ago and apparently it doesn't automatically refill.
I'm going to this semi-cloistered monastery in Big Sur today. I'll be really quiet because they asked nicely and hopefully I'll get the chance to see some of the fears up close and personal. It'll be like Sasquatch hunting. But different. I'll try and hold them close and whisper to them that I'm better these days. I understand that the reason they appeared in the first place was because of that time before. When I acted without thinking. And the consequences were so much worse than I ever could've expected. That the hurt and pain and losses I caused myself and unfortunately so many others were indeed very scary. But being afraid to try again - being afraid to risk again - isn't the answer.
The empty space that I might create from shedding this old story seems the scariest thing of all. Who are you if you aren't all your old stories? Some of us have gotten very comfortable with the worst possible pictures we've painted and the idea of creating a better more beautiful one seems like a lot of work. That will hurt. But hopefully it's what you can do with five days of silence. Or at least, get a very good start in prepping your canvas.
Alright. The writers in the crowd just punched their desks in agony at all of the mixed metaphors I just deployed in that last bit.
Forgive me. I'm excited for my trip.
Wish me luck! I'll be sharing a shower and I don't plan on shaving my legs. (I'm not sure how those two things fit together but I'm sure it's something that Bridget Jones would have a field day with.) I want to come back nice and rested and possibly with a lot of souvenir love to hand out.
And maybe a new career! Who knows - maybe I'm onto something with this whole "Wazoo Refills" thing.
Cottage industry here I come.
Next week:
How I Sold My New TLC Pilot: "Sasquatch Monks: Getting Feral With the Lord"
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
2
Chapter Two: Don't Take It Personally
or
Chapter Two: How "Awesome" It Feels To Be Told How To Feel
"Don't take it so personally!"
If you are like me then you have heard that phrase so many times in your life that you often feel that you will punch the next person who says it to you in their face. But you don't. Because you don't want to take it personally.
So this week I'm going to talk about some ideas I've been having lately about that phrase. I'm making it less of the usual recrimination/"advice-for-your-own-good-from-a-person-who-clearly-thinks-you're-an-idiot-and-need-to-be-instructed-on-how-to-interpret-their-obviously-insensitive-and-hurtful-remarks" and more of the perfect starting place for the sort of lovingkindness we all deserve.
"To take something personal" to me implies that you take something on. That you make it an undeniable truth about yourself when in fact it may just be "some thing that happened". Traffic for example. (I know, I know, - super obvious and overused - but somehow I'm still getting upset about it.) Now, I may feel that there has indeed been a major conspiracy that every Aerostar in the greater San Fernando Valley area would drive 10 miles below the speed limit, shoulder to shoulder, down the very roads that I, Heather Burress, need to drive down to get to work. In reality, it may just be that I should calm the hell down and listen to some nice NPR. It's not to say I shouldn't feel frustrated about it. No one is encouraging heartless, robot-like control over your emotions. But it's not happening "to" me. Get it?
Good. Because most of the time I don't either. But I'm getting there.
Things happen. Minor things - like traffic - and also Major Things. People lose jobs, get sick, pass away. Lots of horrible and sad things happen. I seriously am not intending to be glib here. But how do you perceive them? Does it feel deeply personal and isolating? 'Cause it does to me. Here's a thought: next time I'm sitting in that traffic, what if I were to just sit back and actually feel what it felt like - uniquely in the moment - instead of comparing it to every other sad and terrible thing that has ever happened to me and then using this comparison to inform my reaction to future horrible things.
That would be amazing. And incredibly constructive.
I could stop making sitting in traffic a hugely offensive insult to my personality that surely means I am a horrible person who deserves no happiness or good fortune (yeah, folks, it gets like that sometimes, doesn't it?) and instead understand that this inconvenient, annoying thing that is happening right now will eventually stop. And I'll leave it behind.
To some of you this will seem obvious. You are wizards.
To the the rest of us pleebs it becomes a daily challenge to let our experiences be events - not personality shapers. To not take every traffic jam, office drama, family squabble or even - and especially - legitimately heart-wrenching tragedy into our very DNA. Because in addition to holding us back it can make us very sick. I myself have experienced this. Stress, depression and anxiety that manifested as eczema, insomnia and wrinkles - let's call them "2013's Greatest Hits". For some unlucky souls even some of the biggies - addiction, high blood pressure and heart disease - can become the tangible results of internalizing every harsh word or awkward encounter.
Massage can actually help this, you know. Releasing muscles and tension also releases energy. And pain. And heavy memories that our bodies are tired of carrying. Yes, exercise helps too. Sweating out the toxins that clog up our pores AND our souls. But, really - getting a deep, therapeutic session of informed and professional bodywork is an investment that is so much more valuable than this week's happy hour with the girls or another over-priced meal at that place you guys always love for date night.
I'm just sayin'.
Try this today. After you book your next massage appointment, find something in your heart that happened to you that changed you. Find an event or interaction that you can go back to and really see. Something sad or hurtful or hard that keeps coming back up every time a similar event occurs. Or even better, when a completely unsimilar event occurs. Then, try looking at the original event as an observer. Try seeing the things that were said or done not as intentionally hurtful or harmful but just as words or actions that were said and done by another person with another story that they feel equally as passionate and certain about. See what this feels like. It will probably be unpleasant. You may think I am stupid for suggesting it and tell me so the next time you see me. That's cool. I'll hug you anyway. And maybe rub your shoulders a bit. But eventually - hopefully - you can start to see it as a thing that just happened. An event that had pain and sadness or frustration and anger around it for sure - but one that can't continue to force you into responses and reactions in your current present. A present that deserves a much more immediate and loving person in it.
Recently, I had a very deep and interesting and entirely impromptu conversation about this very thing to a man I know. He teaches meditation at UCLA and elsewhere around the country. He is also a very handsome man so my memory of some of it might be a little foggy. Got a little distracted in the middle there. He told a very clever story about two young goldfish swimming in a pond. A wise, old carp slowly swam by them and said, "Hey boys. Water's great, huh?" Then, he swam on. The one young goldfish looked at the other and said, "What the hell is 'water'?"
Let's all take a minute to check what we're swimming in. See how it feels.
I'll bet you five bucks you feel better.
Next week: What Does Five Bucks Really Buy You In An Economy As Shitty As This One
or
Chapter Two: How "Awesome" It Feels To Be Told How To Feel
"Don't take it so personally!"
If you are like me then you have heard that phrase so many times in your life that you often feel that you will punch the next person who says it to you in their face. But you don't. Because you don't want to take it personally.
So this week I'm going to talk about some ideas I've been having lately about that phrase. I'm making it less of the usual recrimination/"advice-for-your-own-good-from-a-person-who-clearly-thinks-you're-an-idiot-and-need-to-be-instructed-on-how-to-interpret-their-obviously-insensitive-and-hurtful-remarks" and more of the perfect starting place for the sort of lovingkindness we all deserve.
"To take something personal" to me implies that you take something on. That you make it an undeniable truth about yourself when in fact it may just be "some thing that happened". Traffic for example. (I know, I know, - super obvious and overused - but somehow I'm still getting upset about it.) Now, I may feel that there has indeed been a major conspiracy that every Aerostar in the greater San Fernando Valley area would drive 10 miles below the speed limit, shoulder to shoulder, down the very roads that I, Heather Burress, need to drive down to get to work. In reality, it may just be that I should calm the hell down and listen to some nice NPR. It's not to say I shouldn't feel frustrated about it. No one is encouraging heartless, robot-like control over your emotions. But it's not happening "to" me. Get it?
Good. Because most of the time I don't either. But I'm getting there.
Things happen. Minor things - like traffic - and also Major Things. People lose jobs, get sick, pass away. Lots of horrible and sad things happen. I seriously am not intending to be glib here. But how do you perceive them? Does it feel deeply personal and isolating? 'Cause it does to me. Here's a thought: next time I'm sitting in that traffic, what if I were to just sit back and actually feel what it felt like - uniquely in the moment - instead of comparing it to every other sad and terrible thing that has ever happened to me and then using this comparison to inform my reaction to future horrible things.
That would be amazing. And incredibly constructive.
I could stop making sitting in traffic a hugely offensive insult to my personality that surely means I am a horrible person who deserves no happiness or good fortune (yeah, folks, it gets like that sometimes, doesn't it?) and instead understand that this inconvenient, annoying thing that is happening right now will eventually stop. And I'll leave it behind.
To some of you this will seem obvious. You are wizards.
To the the rest of us pleebs it becomes a daily challenge to let our experiences be events - not personality shapers. To not take every traffic jam, office drama, family squabble or even - and especially - legitimately heart-wrenching tragedy into our very DNA. Because in addition to holding us back it can make us very sick. I myself have experienced this. Stress, depression and anxiety that manifested as eczema, insomnia and wrinkles - let's call them "2013's Greatest Hits". For some unlucky souls even some of the biggies - addiction, high blood pressure and heart disease - can become the tangible results of internalizing every harsh word or awkward encounter.
Massage can actually help this, you know. Releasing muscles and tension also releases energy. And pain. And heavy memories that our bodies are tired of carrying. Yes, exercise helps too. Sweating out the toxins that clog up our pores AND our souls. But, really - getting a deep, therapeutic session of informed and professional bodywork is an investment that is so much more valuable than this week's happy hour with the girls or another over-priced meal at that place you guys always love for date night.
I'm just sayin'.
Try this today. After you book your next massage appointment, find something in your heart that happened to you that changed you. Find an event or interaction that you can go back to and really see. Something sad or hurtful or hard that keeps coming back up every time a similar event occurs. Or even better, when a completely unsimilar event occurs. Then, try looking at the original event as an observer. Try seeing the things that were said or done not as intentionally hurtful or harmful but just as words or actions that were said and done by another person with another story that they feel equally as passionate and certain about. See what this feels like. It will probably be unpleasant. You may think I am stupid for suggesting it and tell me so the next time you see me. That's cool. I'll hug you anyway. And maybe rub your shoulders a bit. But eventually - hopefully - you can start to see it as a thing that just happened. An event that had pain and sadness or frustration and anger around it for sure - but one that can't continue to force you into responses and reactions in your current present. A present that deserves a much more immediate and loving person in it.
Recently, I had a very deep and interesting and entirely impromptu conversation about this very thing to a man I know. He teaches meditation at UCLA and elsewhere around the country. He is also a very handsome man so my memory of some of it might be a little foggy. Got a little distracted in the middle there. He told a very clever story about two young goldfish swimming in a pond. A wise, old carp slowly swam by them and said, "Hey boys. Water's great, huh?" Then, he swam on. The one young goldfish looked at the other and said, "What the hell is 'water'?"
Let's all take a minute to check what we're swimming in. See how it feels.
I'll bet you five bucks you feel better.
Next week: What Does Five Bucks Really Buy You In An Economy As Shitty As This One
Thursday, September 12, 2013
1
Day One: How To Come To Terms With A New Life Because Your Old One Left You Behind
or
Day One: New Starts, Small Starts and All Things Modest
Here it is. My spankin' new blog. First post. Onward!
(Silence)
Anyway...
I am writing a blog. I am writing it because I have all these ideas that swim around in my head about health (physical and mental) and wellness and bodies and aging (gracefully and otherwise). I wanted to write about them. Put them down someplace somewhat public and thereby engage in my greatest love - storytelling.
Now before you dismiss me out of hand, please know that I do have SOME degree of experience. In both storytelling (I was a professional actor for 18 years) and health (I graduated from massage therapy school in 2012 and currently work at a hugely popular SoCal day spa in addition to a mobile massage service and my own private clients). I went back to school because I could no longer support myself on a career that had been paying the bills for most of my adult life. And paying them rather well, I might add. It was a "Dream Come True" kind of job. Until it wasn't.
So back to school I went. And I felt tremendously fortunate to have found something that I loved and was excited about. I jumped into my new career passionately and with loads of hope and enthusiasm and great, BIG dreams of success.
I'm getting some perspective.
This career - like all careers - takes a lot of work and more than a little initiative. Two things I had felt comfortable with due to my former career. Acting is a job that takes all kinds of discipline and dedication. And really thick skin. So I thought, "No problem! The first year or so will be hard but I'm good at this. It's worth it and so am I!"
One year later and I already realize how naive some of that was. Notice I say "some". Because I do feel that even though this job as a massage therapist is a lot less heroic than I had imagined - I'm not saving anyone's life neither am I hoisting Olympic athletes onto the podium with my Wizard-like bodywork skills - I am doing what I set out to do. Make money as a professional massage therapist and make people feel better. When I keep my goals humble, things are SO MUCH EASIER.
Which brings me to a great topic to start with! (See how this works!)
Humble Beginnings!
Whether you're starting a new career, a new wellness plan, a new exercise habit - or a new blog - "starting" is the start.
It's a noun. A person, place or thing. It's little. You can hold it. Shape it a bit. Dream about it. Stare at it.
But then you have to blow some life on it. You have to take a chance and let it go. Let it grow. And pretty soon, you've got a verb on your hands. Action. Movement. Momentum.
Take five minutes today and find your noun. Find your start and let it be small for a while. There's plenty of time for verbs later. When you've gotten the hang of your start, when you know it so intimately that it becomes an extension of you and who you are and most importantly what you really truly WANT, then you worry yourself with the doing.
So today my start was:
The idea.
The idea that I can sit down and combine my love of creative things (writing, performing, strorytelling) with my love of wellness (massage, bodywork, healing) and maybe inform, maybe entertain, 5 or 10 or 500 people. See - I'm going big again! But that's OK. Because the other part of all of this is the "hoping".
Hope.
There's a magical word. An elixir for success. For youth and vibrancy. For beginners. And I want to constantly and always be a beginner. A person who makes mistakes. And we all know what mistakes really bring. Children. KIDDING! (jeez - calm down) They bring information. And I for one need a lot of information to keep going.
I'm hitting a landmark birthday in about three weeks and I have to say I'm more than a little scared. Granted, I'm very grateful for lots of stuff - a healthy body, a roof over my head, lovely friends and family - but it's sobering and scary and sometimes a little bit sad to realize you're looking at the back half of probably 80 or so years of existence.
SIDE NOTE: Yes, yes - we all know that person who insists that they "really prefer" this time in their life to their 20's and 30's and "wasn't bothered at all" by their birthday. They also leap tall buildings in a single bound and can only eat ONE Lay's potato chip. Good for you. Seriously. Congrats. Now shut up and let me mourn my firm upper arms.
Back to my point -
I'm making mistakes. (Sometimes, like, 27 in one day. All related to clothing.) Hopefully this blog isn't one of them.
I'm making new starts. Hopefully this blog IS one of them.
I have a job that I appreciate - even if I don't always love it - and that is enough. I will grow and learn and work hard and be willing.
I hope this works! I'm certainly humbler about it than I was one year ago. Or even 10 years ago. Turning 40 does that to a gal.
Next time...
Turning 40: How Not To Turn Your Birthday Party Into An Exercise In Self-Loathing and Regret. (Hint: Avoid gin. And fortunetellers.)
or
Day One: New Starts, Small Starts and All Things Modest
Here it is. My spankin' new blog. First post. Onward!
(Silence)
Anyway...
I am writing a blog. I am writing it because I have all these ideas that swim around in my head about health (physical and mental) and wellness and bodies and aging (gracefully and otherwise). I wanted to write about them. Put them down someplace somewhat public and thereby engage in my greatest love - storytelling.
Now before you dismiss me out of hand, please know that I do have SOME degree of experience. In both storytelling (I was a professional actor for 18 years) and health (I graduated from massage therapy school in 2012 and currently work at a hugely popular SoCal day spa in addition to a mobile massage service and my own private clients). I went back to school because I could no longer support myself on a career that had been paying the bills for most of my adult life. And paying them rather well, I might add. It was a "Dream Come True" kind of job. Until it wasn't.
So back to school I went. And I felt tremendously fortunate to have found something that I loved and was excited about. I jumped into my new career passionately and with loads of hope and enthusiasm and great, BIG dreams of success.
I'm getting some perspective.
This career - like all careers - takes a lot of work and more than a little initiative. Two things I had felt comfortable with due to my former career. Acting is a job that takes all kinds of discipline and dedication. And really thick skin. So I thought, "No problem! The first year or so will be hard but I'm good at this. It's worth it and so am I!"
One year later and I already realize how naive some of that was. Notice I say "some". Because I do feel that even though this job as a massage therapist is a lot less heroic than I had imagined - I'm not saving anyone's life neither am I hoisting Olympic athletes onto the podium with my Wizard-like bodywork skills - I am doing what I set out to do. Make money as a professional massage therapist and make people feel better. When I keep my goals humble, things are SO MUCH EASIER.
Which brings me to a great topic to start with! (See how this works!)
Humble Beginnings!
Whether you're starting a new career, a new wellness plan, a new exercise habit - or a new blog - "starting" is the start.
It's a noun. A person, place or thing. It's little. You can hold it. Shape it a bit. Dream about it. Stare at it.
But then you have to blow some life on it. You have to take a chance and let it go. Let it grow. And pretty soon, you've got a verb on your hands. Action. Movement. Momentum.
Take five minutes today and find your noun. Find your start and let it be small for a while. There's plenty of time for verbs later. When you've gotten the hang of your start, when you know it so intimately that it becomes an extension of you and who you are and most importantly what you really truly WANT, then you worry yourself with the doing.
So today my start was:
The idea.
The idea that I can sit down and combine my love of creative things (writing, performing, strorytelling) with my love of wellness (massage, bodywork, healing) and maybe inform, maybe entertain, 5 or 10 or 500 people. See - I'm going big again! But that's OK. Because the other part of all of this is the "hoping".
Hope.
There's a magical word. An elixir for success. For youth and vibrancy. For beginners. And I want to constantly and always be a beginner. A person who makes mistakes. And we all know what mistakes really bring. Children. KIDDING! (jeez - calm down) They bring information. And I for one need a lot of information to keep going.
I'm hitting a landmark birthday in about three weeks and I have to say I'm more than a little scared. Granted, I'm very grateful for lots of stuff - a healthy body, a roof over my head, lovely friends and family - but it's sobering and scary and sometimes a little bit sad to realize you're looking at the back half of probably 80 or so years of existence.
SIDE NOTE: Yes, yes - we all know that person who insists that they "really prefer" this time in their life to their 20's and 30's and "wasn't bothered at all" by their birthday. They also leap tall buildings in a single bound and can only eat ONE Lay's potato chip. Good for you. Seriously. Congrats. Now shut up and let me mourn my firm upper arms.
Back to my point -
I'm making mistakes. (Sometimes, like, 27 in one day. All related to clothing.) Hopefully this blog isn't one of them.
I'm making new starts. Hopefully this blog IS one of them.
I have a job that I appreciate - even if I don't always love it - and that is enough. I will grow and learn and work hard and be willing.
I hope this works! I'm certainly humbler about it than I was one year ago. Or even 10 years ago. Turning 40 does that to a gal.
Next time...
Turning 40: How Not To Turn Your Birthday Party Into An Exercise In Self-Loathing and Regret. (Hint: Avoid gin. And fortunetellers.)
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